Heart of the Matter			Sandra Doran
	Savior vs. Spouse

Q:

My husband and I don't go to church because he feels that going to an imperfect church will do us more harm than good. He complains that most preachers don't believe their own message and that all one hears in church is arguing and complaining. Sometimes I wonder if I'll even go to heaven because I don't obey God by worshiping Him. I just can't seem to get up the courage to walk out the door and go on my own.

It sounds to me as if you are in a mental battle between your husband and your God. On the one hand, you want to please your husband. On the other, you long to please God. It seems that whatever decision you make, you are met with turmoil. By staying home, you face the turmoil of your own conscience. By breaking away from your husband's wishes, you face turmoil under your own roof. In the midst of such a dilemma, both options lead to a no-win situation.

The biggest question you must confront right now is whether you are able to function as an independent thinker within your own marriage. How much latitude do you have to make decisions on your own? What happens when you do not agree with your husband? Do you feel safe emotionally? Physically?

Your question has far more to do with healthy relationships than it does with religion. Even if someone were to counter your husband's negative biases with perfectly logical responses and convince him to take you to church each week, what would happen the next time you disagreed on another issue? For example, what would happen if you wanted a part-time job, and he felt you should stay at home? Or what if you wanted to make a trip across the country for a family reunion, and he didn't like the idea?

Do you see where I am going with this? Church-going is merely the lens through which a deeper problem is being made evident. The real issue is whether you are able to make a decision on your own and act on it. I am wondering whose problem this is, really? Does your husband have such control issues that you fear to counter his views, lest you pay some very unpleasant consequences? Or do you lack the fortitude to face the world on your own? Or perhaps it is a combination of both.

In order to resolve the church-going issue, begin by addressing the underlying problem that is causing an unequal balance of power in your marriage. I would suggest finding a Christian counselor who can help you examine what is happening under the surface. Once you feel stronger and things become clearer for you, invite your husband to join you for the sessions.

In the meantime, please be assured that God is not scowling at you from the heavens, blotting your name out of the book of life because you find it almost impos­sible to attend church right now. More likely, He is working on your heart, wooing you to meet with Him so that you can enjoy the assurance that you are truly and unconditionally loved.

While your relationship with your husband seems to be based on fear and control, your relationship with God need not be. Scripture is clear on this point. We do not earn our way to heaven by accumulating points for going to church or doing good deeds. The Bible tells us, "If anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins."*

While establishing a healthy relationship with your husband will undoubtedly take a great deal of work, you can enter into a rich relationship with God right now. Ask Him for forgiveness for the things that you have done wrong. Accept His righteousness. Rejoice in His goodness.

With the assurance of His everlasting arms around you, I suspect you will find new ways to enter into His sanctuary to praise His name with the brothers and sisters who are waiting to hold you up. *1 John 2:1, 2.

Reprinted with permission from Signs of the Times, January 2005, p. 21. Sandra Doran, Ed. D., is an associate superintendent of education for the Florida Conference of Seventh-day Adventists. (www. signstimes. com)

TSS

September / October 2005 The Sabbath Sentinel